Monday, September 07, 2009

Not In Control

We had a really nice family evening. Lisa, her folks, my folks, the boys and I all went out for bowling. I'm pleased to announce that (unlike last time) I beat Clay both times.

After dinner, we shipped Clay off with my folks for a night or two and then I headed off to the grocery store to buy a little toy for Brennan for tomorrow to give him something to take his mind off the unpleasantness after his surgeries.

Now, Giant has a pretty good toy aisle for a grocery store, but it is just one aisle. Since Brennan is less than two (and therefore not a good candidate for most of the big kids' toys), that narrowed my options even more -- but I must have walked that aisle for 10+ minutes before settling on a little rubber firetruck.

Driving home, I still felt very unsettled -- and I realized that my issue was that I wanted this toy to somehow magically take away all the uncertainty and pain in store for tomorrow. I wanted it to make everything all right for Brennan -- and as cool as this firetruck was, it's only going to go so far.

I'm a planner -- to the point of obsession. Ultimately, I plan as a means of taking control of the situation and avoiding problems. But I can't plan my way out of this. Neither cleverness nor hard work can get me out of handing my little boy over to a nurse tomorrow morning as they take him off to an operating room.

So I'm in a pickle. My head knows that God's in control and He loves Brennan very much (even more than I do) -- but my heart and my gut are as twisted as they can get.

So prayers are appreciated tomorrow. Prayers for Brennan, for his surgeons, nurses and anesthesiologists. Prayers for a fantastic outcome. Prayers for quick healing. Prayers that Brennan would not be emotionally scarred by the event. Any and all prayers will be awesome.



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